The Fix

I get so bored easily now, what with me being more melodramatic and craving attention from more people but not getting it lol.

Now what I like to do is at least talk to those few people who, well, I’d like to talk to. It’s like trying to be friends with walls sometimes. You never get any replies… not even the free kind?

Or if you do get a reply… it’s like half an hour later!

I’m so bored! ARGH!

Blake Lewis - 1000 Miles

I like the ding ding ding of the guitar at the start and (kinda) throughout. The song seems okay too. Haven’t really listened to it to understand what he’s talking about, but it’s mellow and upbeat at the same time… and is filling a silence in my boredom which is good

“Now that it’s over
Now that you’re not here
I have to start over
But where to begin
I’m lost inside my head
I can’t remember a day without you here
Piecing the puzzle of memories forgotten
And all that was left unsaid

I don’t know where your heart is
Don’t know if I’m too late
But I will find a way

Can you hear me now through all that the world is
screaming
My voice will reach you somehow, somehow
Can you hear me now with every word I’m breathing
When you’re a thousand miles away

I knew when I saw you the day that we first met
I’d say anything just to stop your world
Any my love has never left
I didn’t have all the answers, didn’t know our stories
end
But did my words find you then

Can you hear me now through all that the world is
screaming
My voice will reach you somehow, somehow
Can you hear me now with every word I’m breathing
When you’re a thousand miles away

You always listen to words left hurting
Now’s your chance to heal a heart still yearning
You’re the best thing that still is happening to me

You always listen to words left hurting
Now’s your chance to heal a heart still yearning
You’re the best thing that still is happening to me,
me, me
I’m still calling

Can you hear me now through all that the world is
screaming
My voice will reach you somehow, somehow
Can you hear me now with every word I’m breathing
When you’re a thousand miles away

You always listen to words left hurting
Now’s your chance to heal a heart still yearning
You’re the best thing that still is happening to me,
me, me

You always listen to words left hurting
Now’s your chance to heal a heart still yearning
You’re the best thing that still is happening to me,
me, me”

Copy and pasted from youtube. Credit to them. (I didn’t even read through that).

:(

Why the fuck did I have to stay online and make myself like this for?

Why!? I’m so fucking stupid!

Top Stupidty!

Paranormal

What does paranormal mean? *looks up*

This’ll do: “Describes events or abilities beyond or above normal human powers or senses.
www.reiki.nu/treatment/healing/dictionary4/dictionary4.html“

Yeah so vampires, werewolves, mythical beasts, the past, reincarnation, questions about religion; all seem to be interesting me now. I’ve seen The Davinci Code, The Village, Stay Alive, The Happening and War of the Worlds recently just from wanting to see stuff which makes the human race seem a bit inferior, isolated, vulnerable and pretty much screwed with life as things they cannot control happen :s

And 2 books (although 5 are lined up after I finally finish reading this one); one about the concept of reincarnation which also deals with questioning religion(The Reincarnationist), the other about vampires roaming the earth after virus and adaptation (I Am Legend).

It’s not that I’m looking for there to be more or less to what we know about life; I’m just finding stuff that is seemingly impossible to be very… attractive. Not in the sense that I go “phwoar oh yeah I’ll have some o’ that”, but meaning, my interest in it has risen dramatically.

I used to think: “the word is ‘paranormal’, menaing it isn’t normal, and therefore it isn’t normal to think it’s cool or to be involved with it”. Okay I didn’t think like that but thought “this isn’t for me”. I don’t get what it is about wanting to fit in but still stand out to people who it matters to stand out to…

But the paranormal. Very interesting stuff.

Just, ghosts? Kinda give me the heebie jeebies…

I want life back.

I want my old life back. When I was a serious person in my immaturity but didn’t have to deal with serious issues. Before that I could go without attention and when it came just enjoy it…

Sigh. Now every day is like a constant flow of thoughts of doubts as to the way life should be left? Maybe I should be being more studenty. The argument that “you’re young now, may as well be wreckless” is something I’ve been against why? When everybody else doesn’t give a crap and goes about life as they please and sometimes get involved in things not because they want to but for the sake of it.

So is it time to join the masses and be clubbing and drinking, getting wasted, getting high etc. Basically “enjoying” a young lifestyle which I’ve never much cared about because I’m now so bored I can’t think of what else to do? What about in moderation. In moderation being crazy… hmmm…

I never used to care so what’s changed? Well, needing to fill like an empty space. The boredom really is too much, and I was told boredom doesn’t exist as you can always do something to pass the time and keep you busy but it’s not that easy. I choose not to do anything else. I choose to dwell on what I think’s bad or bad ways things have turned out…

Sigh.

I know I could deal with more of the good in life; there is good. It’s just in such short supply…

Which reminds me of “being the loner”. Yes distancing myself from crowds and keeping minimal friends that I feel are trustworthy and nice and not really keeping “acquaintances”. I thought it was a good thing. Well it is. Those friends are good. But it means that I feel a sense of loneliness at all other times. Which is the majority of times. And having been affected by a “figment of my imagination” relationship I’m left feeling slightly bitter, snubbed, usually jealous, and still unwantingly dependent or contact and appraisal, being told it is ok to keep in contact but feeling weak for doing so. Feeling that I’m forcing contact that isn’t wanted. Which I guess occasionally must be true, but also occasionally not true.

I repel people by expecting everybody to live life by strict rules. I never used to judge, and when I have thoughts to join in on something other people seem to be enjoying who am I to pass judgement. But the fact is I’m just really confused what the right way of doing things is now. How did life become so hopeless when on adding things up nothing is lost.

Writing it out seems to help most times; making sense to me as I write but on reading later on understanding that it doesn’t make sense to others, even though I don’t expect it to be read by others.

I want to wake up one day feeling that this is me, I can enjoy my day without thinking of others for a change. Without feeling that guilt that I’ve evn been told is not needed. To wake up and know what I wnat to do with myself for the rest of the hours until sleep or if I’m just going to lounge around instead of waking up and thinking I have this amount of time before I can talk to someone. How do I fill my day.

It’s now become a habit of waking up and doing things to pass the day, not waking up to take advantage of the day and I want to relearn that.

And I know what the cause was. It was rejection of a certain kind. If I could advise anyone it would be to avoid relationships until studies are over and you have the job that’s going to keep you alive and on your two feet, because otherwise you get messed upside your head. Or perhaps that’s just me…

Sure it could work, but the chance is high that things and people change.

What the hell happened?

lol CB and Elmo

Tell me what signs you see.

Erm I see Chris Brown trying to help children?

OH signs of the literal kind. Well you’d have to watch the video to know how to do that.

I say good on him though

Blankety blank

No people onloine or in the real world to converse with. Gah! What the hell and where the hell?

I have 6-7 books and some unwatched dvds but I’m so bored I can’t even pay attention to them lol.

So bored! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Well I’m thinking of a very different lifestyle choice happening.

Pain in the -

Head, heart and neck. Head because of too much thinking, heart because of too much stinkin’… thinking leading to feelings (har) and now pain in the neck from a bad habit I’ve developed. Apparently habits can go if not reminded… but they persist for me unless I am reminded… and sometimes I know I’m doing it and sometimes I don’t…

So anyway!

Looking up a different video led me to this, complete with Will Smith “a-ha” in the background of it.

Just a little something that’s with good intention :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjheiI0BFqg

A snippet that stood out to me:

“Feel the strife but trust life does go wrong
But just in case
Its my place
To impart
One day some girls gonna break your heart
And ooh aint no pain like from the opposite sex
Gonna hurt bad but dont take it out on the next son
Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
Always tell the truth say your prayers
Hold doors pull out chairs easy on the swears”

True that.

Headache EDIT + dull pain in heart + neck ache + weird back pain

I have a headache. It smarts. I don’t want a headache.

Yeah so, EDIT: Add back pains that make me exclaim and neck aches that make me click my neck in the bad habity way that I’m not supposed to…

And the bursts in my heart from the AM to the PM gargh!

I’m not looking for sympathy. It’s just handy having a place to vent stuff.